Despite making crazy leaps for years now, I still have fears come up around Change.
What if the new thing is worse than the current thing?
What if I end up stuck and unhappy?
What if I'm not able to figure out what I want, communicate what I want, and have what I want be taken into account?
The new shades of fear include being in partnership - I have to contend with my general life fears AND with my relationship fears.
They all seem to come down to being stuck, stagnant and unhappy.
I read somewhere that stress and anxiety are based in the idea of not being able to cope in the Future. Not right this second, but with the problems later, out there, in Future Land. But it is impossible to cope with the Future while in the Present - you can only ever be in the Present, and you've got tools and resources in the Present. Not in the Future.
Some recent fears were coming up over making the decision to leave the friend's property where I've been camping/living and move into a trailer with my partner and daughter. (*trailer pictured, though adorable, is not the trailer in question)
I'm comfortable camping at my friend's place. It's easy. It's a big beautiful house. I'm living with friends. It's safe and secure and KNOWN.
Living in a 20-foot trailer with two other people is UNKNOWN. I've had dreams of living in tiny houses/RVs/treehouse since before tiny homes were a huge thing - I read a book years and years ago about a doctor who lived in the South somewhere. She chose to build a home that was too small to qualify as a "house", and she chose to make less than $11,000 in income per year so as to not pay taxes to fund wars she didn't agree with. She also chose to grow all of her own food amongst the native plants in the forest around her. Her story was my first exposure to tiny homes and to permaculture. This choice for smallness and "poverty" in a society that is always pushing for more More MORE was fascinating to me. And my tiny house obsession began. As a person who was always tagged as "not living up to her potential" growing up, the concept of CHOOSING not to maximize your economic potential as an American was very appealing. I guess it was part rebellion - "Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!" - but I also strongly resonated with a drive towards simplicity.
So even though I've dreamed of living in tiny homes/RV/trailers, I hadn't really thought about sharing it with a 6'3" man an a toddler... and what if I didn't like it?? What if I couldn't deal?? What if I wasn't HAPPY?!
And then I remembered how flexible and adaptable I am. I remembered how I'm gifted at making the best of anything. I remembered that I have practices and tools like appreciation lists, yoga and hikes in nature to keep me in alignment.
I don't know where I'll end up, but when I get scared I try to remember that this present moment is pretty good.
For the record, we're looking to rent a three-bedroom house with a garage/workspace and enclosed yard... will share when that's manifested!